


A Barrel of Badgers

by River_Taylor



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Pottermore - Fandom
Genre: Badgers, Battle of Hogwarts, Dark Crack, Dark Magic, Gen, Hufflepuff Common Room, Magical Weirdness, Passing references to torture and death, nothing graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-20
Updated: 2016-05-20
Packaged: 2018-06-09 16:07:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6913999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/River_Taylor/pseuds/River_Taylor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Unbeknownst to everyone, one of the barrels forming the entrance to the Puff Common Room is secretly full of badgers. It only unleashes when the impostor trying to gain entry has REALLY bad intentions.</p><p>The Death Eater who tried to breach the Common Room entrance during the Battle of Hogwarts didn't live to tell the tale.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Barrel of Badgers

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by a conversation on Pottermore-Facebook, after I shared a Tumblr post from just-shower-thoughts which read, "I'm not a fan of the expression "a can of worms" to describe something with the potential to cause problems. A can of badgers, on the other hand, is something I would actually not want to experience." A friend from Hufflepuff remarked that a barrel of badgers would be a real experience, and I replied with a joke about there being badgers in one of the barrels leading to the Puff Common Room, which is the summary for this fic. Because I love writing weird, somewhat surreal Pottermore/Harry Potter fic, this idea then took hold of my brain and I really wanted to write it. And so I did.
> 
> This is dedicated to Lee, whose badger barrel joke set my weird mind going, and Meh Badger, who missed my stories. <3

Once, there was a Death Eater. We shan't concern ourselves with what this Death Eater's name was, because it very shortly won't matter at all. 

Suffice it to say that this was a Death Eater who joined Voldemort's ranks for the sake of victimising those less powerful than him. Muggle-borns, squibs, half-bloods, Muggles themselves; he loved that Voldemort's regime gave him a reason to bully and hurt, to exult in being more powerful than others who weren't able to stand up to him.

On the night of the Battle of Hogwarts, as the fighting raged around him and young wizards and witches with more courage than the entirety of Voldemort's pathetic ranks would have in their lifetimes fought desperately for their lives, for their school, for the side of good and right, this Death Eater slipped off deep into the heart of Hogwarts.

No point risking his neck in the thick of the battle; others with stronger principles than he cared to have could die on the front lines if they felt like it. The Death Eater was in search of his favourite type of prey. Small, vulnerable, young witches and wizards. He noticed that the older students were the ones doing all the fighting, and thought it must mean that the younger students were tucked away in a secret room somewhere, unprotected and vulnerable.

He shot some random curses at combatants as he passed, but didn't stop to give his victims time to fight back. As he moved further into the school, the chaos gradually thinned; here went a ghost, there a Transfigured suit of armour (the Death Eater wasn't about to engage that, thank you very much; he'd had enough experience with that harpy McGonagall's tricks when he was a student). He moved down deeper into the school, until he presently found himself in the corridor that led to the kitchens.

The Death Eater grinned sharply to himself, thinking of legions of unarmed house elves in the school kitchens. He'd torture them a bit, make them get him some food - victimising was hungry work - and then kill most of the little squeaky blighters, maybe keeping one or two to be his personal slaves. Sure, he had house elves already, but it never hurt to have a few spares.

Just then, he came up short, facing a stack of wooden barrels arranged into a neat pyramid shape. What in the name of pure blood was this? The Death Eater, of course, would have cursed off his own wand hand rather than befriend a Hufflepuff at school; consequently, he had never heard that the Hufflepuff Common Room entrance was somewhere along the corridor which led to the kitchens, and nor would it have occurred to him to think of it.

The Death Eater smiled nastily, thinking he must have found the entrance to a secret hiding place. He pictured a room full of young students huddling terrified on the other side, silent and trembling as they listened for any sound of an approaching intruder. He was about to become their worst nightmare.

 _"Alohamora,"_ he said, because not all of the spells he'd learned at school were completely useless. The barrels didn't move, but he hadn't really expected them to. That would be too easy.

 _"Reducto!"_ came next as the Death Eater tried to reduce the barrels blocking his path to dust. Then, _"Fatiscus,"_ which was a Dark spell that forced the object that was in your path to yield - by whatever means necessary.

The Death Eater didn't notice as one barrel in the very centre of the pile began to glow red. He was beginning to get angry now as this door continued to thwart his plans. "Open, damn it!" he yelled. _"Aufere protectorum!"_ This was a spell for removing protective charms and enchantments.

The barrel began to glow brighter. The Death Eater, incensed and still oblivious to the danger he was in, let loose a string of curses. They all seemed to be absorbed harmlessly into the wood, not even leaving a mark.

 _" **Confringo**!!"_ The Death Eater fired a Blasting Curse at the barrels. As it hit, the barrel in the centre of the stack opened, its lid swinging outwards to reveal an opening.

"About damn time," the Death Eater scoffed, apparently not reading anything into the fact that it was a Blasting Curse that had triggered the barrel's opening, and for no reason that was apparent. When nothing else happened and the opening didn't get any wider, the Death Eater frowned and walked closer, ducking his head to look inside the barrel.

"What the-"

There were eyes staring back at him, twin points of yellow in the darkness of the barrel. Another pair blinked into life, and another, and another. The Death Eater slowly realised that they were set into furry faces with sweeping black and white stripes, ending in a pointed muzzle.

The Death Eater reared back, but it was too late. A pair of clawed paws reached out from the barrel and sunk into his shoulders. The Death Eater howled and thrashed as he was pulled, inevitably, impossibly, inside the barrel.

There was a horrible scream that cut off when the mouth of the barrel swung shut.

The Battle of Hogwarts continued on into the night. None of the Death Eater's fellows looked for him, too busy with their own battles. When his absence was finally noticed, he was presumed to be among the dead (as indeed he was). But no-one ever found the body.


End file.
